


it's love that seizes me

by blastellanos



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: AU, F/M, Infidelity, Non-Famous Family Members As Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:43:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blastellanos/pseuds/blastellanos
Summary: In London, in August, it feels like spring.Crouched down behind home plate, it feels close enough to home. Despite how hard his heart is pounding, it still feels like the same game.It's the bottom ninth and they're only one out away from defeating Germany. And there'd been the jokes, of course, people crowing about how baseball wasAmerica'spast time.





	it's love that seizes me

**Author's Note:**

> genderswap AU with an always-a-girl José Iglesias as the female romantic lead. 
> 
> Written for the 2018 Het Big Bang Challenge.
> 
> Also check out the beautiful accompanying fanmix [thesaddestboner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner) made for it [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16111712)

_August, 2012_

In London, in August, it feels like spring. 

Crouched down behind home plate, it feels close enough to home. Despite how hard his heart is pounding, it still feels like the same game.

It's the bottom ninth and they're only one out away from defeating Germany. And there'd been the jokes, of course, people crowing about how baseball was _America's_ past time. 

Naturally, there's an air of confidence. Of patriotism.

James feels it thudding in his veins like the pumping of his blood. The baseball sinks neatly into his glove and it's a called third strike, and the crowd erupts in a rapturous cheer. They won't know until the games end, later, if the points add up to the gold medal, but it's fine. 

James coasts on the wave of joy all the way back into the clubhouse. 

*

As a show of solidarity, the USA Men's Baseball Team shows up to the Women's Softball match versus Cuba. James thinks it's just going to be a normal night; that's how they usually are. They train and they knock around, they go to events together and rate the girls, even though it's kind of disgusting anyway. 

One of the other kids-- an outfielder named Mikie-- is extolling the virtues of the rather statuesque USA centerfielder, who has on high socks and admittedly tight baseball pants. Her brunette hair is long and in a ponytail, swinging as she paces in centerfield, awaiting the pitch. 

James can see the appeal. 

He thinks about the stories he's heard from other, more veteran olympians-- he thinks about how maybe Mikie might make a run for her. 

(And he thinks about the kind of jokes that'd be made the night after, too; he's been in enough locker rooms to know.) 

James mostly tunes it out and Mikie quiets down, as the half inning is over and the outfield jogs in. James listens to the chatter, but only half-way, preferring to move away from the crowd noise and over to get a better view of the game.

They're showing their support, but James knows that some of the guys don't really think softball is comparable. He doesn't like to listen to that chatter; he thinks both games are beautiful, and he feels blessed to be here. 

He posts up between a couple of loudly jeering fans, both wearing jerseys for the UK team. He leans against the railing and watches as the girls get into position. 

It's like a spring day with this weather, and then he sees _her_ taking her hat off and smoothing her hair back from her eyes. It’s is cut short, stylish, shaved underneath with a sort of pompadour on top, reminding him of some punk rock singer that he'd seen in passing. 

When she turns, he sees that the back of the jersey says Iglesias and-- it probably would have just been a passing sort of thing, someone who'd enter into his dreams every so often, someone he’d never remember meeting but could visualize. 

Except she's good. 

Her glove is bright red, flashy as she is, and as he watches the game, he mostly just watches her. 

She moves like a dancer on the basepathes, flashing her glove and making plays to rob hits --and runs-- like it's second nature. She's smart at the plate too, even though when she does connect, the power isn't really there. 

James feels a little captivated, but he knows it's only going to be a passing flight of fancy. 

USA wins on a walk off, but James's eyes linger on the shortstop, Iglesias, whose dark eyes glitter with unshed tears. 

*

James recognizes her. He's out probably later than his coaches would like, having been on the prowl (so to speak) with Mikie and Jackie, mostly checking out the local spots, trying to find those hole in the wall places. The corner shop they're in isn't really exciting, but they're all old enough to drink here in England. 

Mikie had mentioned maybe getting something to celebrate, since both USA teams had won-- but James is more interested in finding some snack amongst the aisles of British food that will make him feel like he's home. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to him, and getting to represent his country at such a great event is an honor, but the truth is he's homesick. 

He recognizes her in profile. She's wearing a White Sox jersey with _Ramírez_ on the back of it. James frowns and hesitates but approaches anyway. 

Mikie and Jackie are looking through the liquor, not paying him any attention. 

James clears his throat and she looks at him. 

Up close, he sees she's got long lashes and dark eyes, set in an almost hawkish face. She’s fierce and beautiful all at once. 

"I'm James." He extends his hand and she tilts her head at him. 

" _Soy Josefina_." She takes his hand. Her palm is calloused like his, in the same places, where the wood of the bat grinds in and where the ball is gripped. It's a strange sort of feeling. James has met a hundred softball players, but never one that makes his chest feel this funny. 

"Uh, you getting a snack?" He asks. 

Josefina-- it's a pretty name and James-- well. James thinks she's pretty, too, so it's fitting. 

Josefina nods and shakes the bag of chips at him. 

"Share?" she asks. James grins and wonders how he can duck out without Mikie and Jackie noticing, but he nods anyway. 

He sends them a sly text while Josefina pays, stating that he met a girl and he'd talk to them later. 

James doesn’t think there’s any evidence that Josefina knows the city better than he does, but he follows her anyway. He knows in the back of his mind that this is a bad idea. 

He’s prided himself on keeping his wits about him. About being the type of person that someone would be proud to know is representing their country.

He’s never been one for one-night stands, for being with someone he doesn’t have an emotional attachment to. James isn’t the type who sleeps around, who gives in to his urges. 

James is _good_. But he feels compelled by Josefina. By her bright smile and her dark lashes and the way she’d been on the field. 

The place she takes him to is some kind of team hotel, because she presses a finger to James’s lips and leads him up the stairwell from the back of the building. She steps carefully and James does to, until they’re back in a room. 

There’s no one else in the room and she leads him over to an unmade bed and sits down on it, and she pats the seat next to her to indicate James should sit. 

James does and he sits close enough their knees brush together. Josefina smiles at him like she’s the sun. There’s a bit of a language barrier; she doesn’t look like she knows English and James’s knowledge of Spanish is fairly limited. 

“ _¿Hablas español?_ ” Josefina asks and James shakes his head. 

“You know English?” 

Josefina gives him a quizzical look but then shakes her head too. 

James wonders if this is wrong, doing it like this, wanting to still do something when they can hardly understand each other. But James doesn’t need to speak Spanish to know what no is, so he just takes his chances. 

He’s sure she had to know when she’d found James that he doesn’t speak Spanish. But she approached him anyway. They-- 

James takes his chance and he presses a hand against the side of Josefina’s cheek and leans in to kiss her. 

They don’t need to speak the same language for that to come across, or the fact that Josefina leans into him, and puts her hand on his bicep and kisses him back. 

For a brief moment it’s soft, gentle, almost tentative. Josefina’s lips part and James tries not to do too much, but it’s clear they’re both after the same thing. Josefina slides her arms around James’s neck and deepens the kiss, slides her tongue over James’s lower lip, and then he feels like he’s entering a free fall. 

James pulls Josefina closer, then into his lap, where she’s straddling his thighs as they kiss, her balancing by holding onto his shoulders, and James steadies her with his hands at Josefina’s hips. 

His fingertips brush bared skin where her shirt rides up. 

James slides his fingers up under the fabric and feels her shudder, can feel the way her skin breaks out into goosebumps as he drags his fingertips along her ribcage. Josefina leans back and peels her shirt off, and then does the same for James. 

James admires her body for a moment. She’s lithe, small, but muscled. He can see her power in her arms and her shoulders, and he leans in and trails his mouth along her jawline and breathes in the scene of lilies as he follows along her jaw and nuzzles lightly at her ear. 

 

Josefina shivers as James strokes his fingers over her sides, as he brushes his lips against the skin of her throat, pressing gentle, open-mouthed kisses along the skin there. She seems content to let him explore, staying perched there as his fingers and mouth start to memorize the curves of her body. 

James can tell that they both want the same things, but that doesn’t mean he has to rush things. He splays his fingers over her ribs and pushes lightly, until he can get her laying down on the bed. 

He pushes her thighs apart and settles between them on his knees before he leans in and kisses over her shoulder, before he palms her breast, squeezing lightly and then rubbing his thumb over her nipple. 

They’re already hard and pebbled and she’s biting her lower lip, looking at him, as she props herself up slightly on her elbows. 

James flicks his gaze up to look at Josefina's face-- her eyes are nearly back and he can see her hair's already sticking to her forehead. James feels overly warm too and he keeps kissing her skin, open-mouthed-- tasting and feeling. 

He knows that because the dorms are closely packed, they have to be quiet. But when he lifts his gaze to Josefina’s face, he sees the way her mouth has fallen open, and the flush that’s painting her cheeks. James wishes he could capture this moment on a camera, but he thinks he’s going to remember it for the rest of his life as it is. 

James keeps moving down, feeling Josefina squirm beneath him, hearing her murmured words. He doesn’t know a lot of them, honestly, but he picks out _my god_ and please-- phrases he’s head often enough, knocking shoulders with Latin kids down on farm teams. 

James thinks that means he’s doing a good job and he presses his hand to Josefina’s thigh and spreads her legs out a little further. It’s what she wants, it’s what he wants. 

James can already see evidence of her wetness, seeing the slick of it in the low light in the room. James slides his fingers between her folds and watches as she jerks back a little. 

“Bad?” James asks, then wonders if she knows any English at all. James pauses, his fingers resting against the slick skin. “Um… _no bueno?_ ” 

Josefina’s eyes slit open a little and she shakes her head some, then reaches up to put her hand against James’s wrist. She holds him there for a moment before lifting her hips, sliding herself against his fingers. 

He takes that as permission. James doesn’t think he’s got to waste too much time and they can’t anyway, they’ve got games tomorrow and they can’t be up or out too late. James shifts and presses his fingers into her, slow and careful as she lets out a whining sound. 

James feels her thighs tense as he starts thrusting his fingers into her. He knows slow and steady wins the race, but the feverish urgency with which she moves against his fingers makes it hard to stick to that. 

James moves his fingers deeper, listening to Josefina make quiet noises that she’s muffling with her forearm over her mouth. At the moment, their silence is of utmost important, but he thinks about another day when they might be able to be loud. 

But not today.

It has to be fast, it has to be quick because he can’t stay out too late, because they have things they have to do the following morning. 

James doesn’t want to wait long anyway. His fingers press into her, deeper, and faster, making wet noises as she gets more and more into it. James rubs his thumb over her clit, feeling the pulsing in his cock as she moans too loud, writhing beneath his ministrations. 

James pushes his jeans down over his hips and lets his cock spring free. Josefina is still propped up on her elbows and James strokes his hand over himself as he keeps rubbing against her, thrusting his fingers in. 

Josefina gropes at the table beside her and opens the drawer. She grabs a foil packet out, shiny silver with the five rings on it and he raises his eyebrows, smiling at the breathless laugh she gives in response. 

There’s no need for words, this is a universal language. James opens the packet with his teeth and pauses in what he was doing to roll the condom on over himself. 

James bites his lower lip and grips himself at the base of his cock, trying to stave off the feeling, as he slips another finger into Josefina to keep stretching her out, getting her ready for him. 

“ _¡Venga!_ Josefina says, and James’s middle school Spanish elective didn’t cover that, but he can guess the meaning as she slides closer to him, looping her leg around the back of his thighs. 

James won’t keep a lady waiting and so he pushes her thighs further apart, slides his fingers out, and keeps a hold of himself to keep steady as he presses in. 

He bites the inside of his mouth bloody trying to keep quiet.

Josefina is tight and wet, feeling like she’s clinging on to him and drawing him in deeper, as she pulses and clenches around him. It’s probably too much, James is already shaking a little as he tries to keep his sound and reactions at bay. 

He doesn’t want to seem like the overeager teenager he is, so he grabs her by the thighs and pulls her a little closer as he starts to roll his hips. 

James cups her breast, fingers still damp, gliding over her nipple lightly. 

She’s breathing hard, chest heaving and flushed, with her thighs quivering where they’re pressed against his hips. James feels sweat gathering on his upper lip and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. 

“Fuck, you feel good, baby,” James mumbles at her, reaching up to stroke her hair. They fall into an easy rhythm, and Josefina’s still silencing herself with an arm over her mouth. James can see her teeth digging into her tawny skin.

James wishes he could pull her arm away and make her loud for him. He wishes a lot of things, suddenly. She murmurs at him in muffled Spanish, digs her heels into the backs of his thighs, and James does his best to give her what she wants, thrusting hard, trying to be careful but the headboard still smacks against the wall to the time of his hips driving in. 

He knows that he's not going to last that long, he's already keyed up and it isn't like he does this often. James wets his fingers in his mouth, reaches between them, and presses against her clit, rubbing gently. She squirms under him and James wants to kiss her, but her arm is in the way, which is good, because he's close enough he can hear the noise she's silencing. 

The wet sounds get more and more sloppy, and the the slap of skin against skin becomes more pronounced as James drives into her. The air smells heavy with sex, and her hair is clinging to her forehead, dampened with sweat. James braces himself against the wall and drives in deeper. 

He feels his orgasm cresting like a wave and crashing into him, his hips stuttering and his rhythm sliding off the track, as she squeezes her legs around him, and she clenches around him and shudders beneath him, high little noises and whispers of his name against her arm. 

James slides off after a moment and lays down next to her, breathing heavily. His jeans are sticking to his legs and he's overly warm, but it's good for a moment, as Josefina tucks herself into his side and nuzzles against the skin there. 

He can't stay long-- he can't stay the night. So he kisses her slowly and then presses his mouth to her forehead. 

He waits until she falls asleep to slip out. 

James doesn't see her again. 

*

The points all add up, the matches going in their favor, and James stands with the rest of the team as the master of ceremonies drapes the gold medal over his neck. 

*

 _August, 2016_

It's hot as hell, playing baseball in Texas in August. 

But there are no worries here, as sweat trickles down his back. They have a comfortable lead and Fulmer's been lights out. Just one more strike and it's a complete game shutout-- to the raucous crowd of Michael's family. 

When the ball hits his glove and the game is over, the cheer of the crowd is louder than it should be at an away game and he jumps up to go wrap his arms around Michael and give him a thump on the chest. It's a good game-- everyone's out to cheer him on. 

It's a great win, good momentum, flying high. 

When they're in the clubhouse, after, there's music bumping and the Olympics are on. 

He hasn't been paying attention, really, but the CUB on the screen gathers his attention. And he recognizes _her_. He's in the middle of changing and he stops with his shirt halfway on, watching as she steps up to the plate. 

Her hair is longer now, curly in it's ponytail, that's going down the back of her neck and her back, but her stance and her grip is the same. 

James suddenly remembers how she smelled of lilies, right behind her ear where she dabbed her perfume, and his fingers suddenly itch to feel her skin again. A night of summer romance comes flooding back, even though he-- 

James feels a twist of guilt as he glances down at his phone, where he knows he has a text from Jess waiting, just ready for him to tell her that he's done with the game, and that he'd be out soon. 

It's easier for her to come to games when he's traveling, and she'd taken a few days off from school to come watch the series versus Texas. 

James watches as she hits a sharp ball to left field, and takes off. Her hair flies out behind her and she slides into second base, driving in a run to put Cuba in the lead. 

She looks just as pretty as he remembers. He'd be remiss if he said he'd never thought about her. But it'd gotten more distant, lately. James tries to shove the sudden remembrance down, but he lingers, watching the screen. 

Until someone-- Justin Wilson, he thinks-- makes some kind of comment about how it's _barely_ baseball and changes it to one of the late games. It's annoying but it’s good to be knocked out of his trance about it, though.

"Come on man, she's good," James says, distracted. It feels like a record scratch moment, and before he can say anything-- Verlander has an arm around him. 

Verlander’s arm is heavy on his shoulders, and he whines a little at him, even though he’s already patting at his cheek like James is a particularly cute animal. James tries–- not hard–- to get away. 

“Oh yeah, here’s a fun fact about our boy Jimmy--” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

“–- if you didn’t know it. He played for the Olympic team a few years ago.” 

“Wouldn’t it be four?” Salty asks, giving Verlander a crooked smile. 

“Oh yes, four years ago.” Verlander continues. “Team USA catcher, I don’t remember if…” 

“I went three for four.” James says, remembering it like it was yesterday. Oh, he remembers the game. Remembers recording the final out. Remembers the night after… 

“And then team USA won a gold medal. Our boy has a gold medal, all hung up and shiny, probably framed above his mantle.” 

“Did you play in the Olympics?” 

“No, I was drafted the same year. Anyways let me tell the story.” 

“We know the story, we were all there… well, all watching.” 

Verlander rolls his eyes. And James takes advantage of the distraction to disentangle himself.

He eventually slips out, embarrassed, and meets up with Jess. 

*

 _January, 2018_

"Hey, did you hear the news?" 

James is getting ready to go and sign autographs, mostly just biding his time as VerHagen finishes up. Honestly, he's always vaguely surprised when people speak to him directly. He's not sure why. He turns to talk to Buck, who’s got his hands on his hips, looking like he hasn't shaved in a year. 

"What news?" 

He doesn't know if it could honestly get worse, after all the trades from the previous year. Some of their signings had been alright, and he doesn't think things will be as bad this year-- but he could be wrong. It's been known to happen before. 

"About the signing?" Buck waves his phone in James's face, but the screen is black. 

"There's nothing on your screen." James points out. Buck glances at it, but then shakes his head, pocketing it. 

"Well it's all over, man. Shit, it's one of the biggest news stories of the offseason, ya been under a rock?" 

James thinks about how he'd been off the grid, for lack of a better word, for most of the offseason. Jess's family had invited them to their farm in Kentucky and it'd been a lot of hard work and nature walks and not a lot of Wi-Fi. He told his agent to talk to him only if he was getting shipped somewhere. 

"I mean, basically," James says and shrugs. Buck laughs and then shakes his head. 

"Avila hired a new defensive coach. A _girl_."

"What, really?" James says and Buck nods a little. 

"Yeah." 

James thinks about it and then shrugs. 

"Long as she's good it should be fine." 

"I think she won a couple gold medals or something." 

It doesn't really register to James. 

"Yeah, that's cool."

He and Buck go out to sign autographs and joke around with the fans. 

*

 _February, 2018_

James reports to training camp, shouldering his duffel bag and fielding an unhappy girlfriend via text message. As he walks from the parking lot to the building, he texts one handed and secures his strap with the other. 

Jess isn’t happy that James has to report on Valentine’s Day. And he honestly doesn’t blame her, but it’s not like he makes the schedule. He doesn’t think he should be held personally accountable for that. 

Not that he thinks she’s wrong, either; it’s definitely inconvenient. 

“You ready for the new year, man?” 

Daniel looks like he’s spent the entire off-season on a boat somewhere out yonder. His hair is bleached by the sun to look more blond than brown, and his skin is deepened in color. He looks like he hasn't shaved since September. James nods. 

“Yeah.” He remembers what Buck said. “You hear about that coach?” 

“Yeah, Mikie said at Tigers fest he saw her at the Olympics and she was super legit” Daniel says. “I wouldn’t say our defense is lacking, but it sounds like a good idea.” 

“Oh yeah?” James says and he nods, “I probably seen her too. Team USA was lights out the year I went.” 

“I dunno what team she was on. I didn’t ask.” 

James nods again. 

“Well, I guess we can ask her when we see her.” 

Daniel nods and they head toward the locker room. It’s quiet for the time being, without most of the team there yet. John Hicks has some country music playing and James feels at ease in the clubhouse. 

He closes out of the message he’d been composing to Jess and goes over to say hi to John. 

“How was your offseason, man?” James asks. 

He listens to John as he talks about what he'd done, which was mostly some charity stuff down in his hometown. James wishes he'd gone home more in the off-season. But he had been trying to make up for the rest of the season, with Jess, and they'd been low key planning for a wedding and an engagement. 

James thinks Jess wanted him to propose before the season started but he'd gotten cold feet. He's not sure if he -- he doesn't know what he wants. 

"So?" John says and James feels embarrassed, having tuned out of the conversation. 

"Sorry, I didn't catch the question." James frowns a little. 

John laughs and claps him on the shoulder. 

"I was just wondering if you had seen the other catchers who got invited to training." 

James shakes his head and John moves away to enthusiastically greet one of the pitchers -- someone who James doesn't recognize by sight. 

James sees a crowd gathered on one side of the field and wonders about it, but it's not anything that concerns him, he's sure. James grabs his glove and finds Matt. 

James pulls up short when he sees her. 

James hasn’t seen her in the flesh in six years, but that doesn’t stop the recognition from being immediate. She hasn’t changed much since then, besides her hair having grown out. But he’d seen that on television. James doesn’t know if he’s being dramatic or not when he swears he feels his heart stop. Honestly, there’s a moment where his chest aches and he’s fairly sure that he’s going to die. 

He was sure that their paths were never going to cross again and he never imagined they’d cross again _professionally_. Maybe, many many years down the road, when they were both coaching Olympic teams. But he’d never expected her _here_ , in the Major Leagues, with the Tigers. 

He’d never even expected to see her as a coach on an opposing team that he just saw in the dugout, far enough away that he could pretend the resemblance was a trick of the light. 

But it’s her-- in all her glory, beneath the winter Florida sun, with her hands on her hips and the Old English D on her hat. 

Matt is standing close. 

He’s leaning into her space and Josefina has a smile on her face. They look like they’re having a good time. James thinks–- tries to remember-– if Matt is married or not. He recalls that he is; he met his wife at a family day, he’s seen him post about her on his Instagram. In fact, he's pretty sure that they just recently had a baby. None of this seems to matter as he feels a surge of something that’s not possessiveness and he wonders if he should approach. 

Matt looks up and sees him watching.

He raises his hand in a wave and James feels like he’s watching in slow motion as Josefina turns. 

If this was a movie, James imagines it would be in slow motion, that some kind of music would swell and they’d lock eyes–- and something unspoken would pass between them. Instead, she turns at normal speed and her dark eyes scan over James. They go wide, for a moment, but then she doesn’t react beyond that. She just turns back to Matt, who waves James over. 

James doesn’t think he wants to go over, and he doesn’t know if he should. But it’d be suspicious if he didn’t, if he acted weird, if he didn’t go and see Matt. James tucks his glove under his arm and moves over. 

“Hey man,” James greets as he pulls Matt into a one-armed hug. He squeezes Matt into his side momentarily, and then lets go. “:How was your offseason?” 

“Not bad, not bad. Glad to be getting back into it.” Matt gestures to the field. 

James nods and glances between Josefina and Matt. 

James isn’t sure what is going through his head. 

“Is this your girlfriend?” James asks. 

He knows it’s a dumb thing to say-– he doesn’t know why he says it. He’s-- 

“Are you serious? You've met my wife!” Matt says and he laughs, like he’s surprised. James lifts his shoulders a little. “Uh, no, she’s a new coach on the staff. Defensive, I think… right?” 

Josefina nods and if she’s upset-– yeah, she’s upset. James can see the tightness around her eyes–- the frown pulling at the corners of her mouth and creasing her brow. 

“Yeah. Defensive coach. Is my specialty.” She smiles at Matt, who smiles back. A goofy kind of smile and James schools his reactions as best as he can. 

“Oh.” James nods then. “Well, that’s cool. I’m James.” 

He sticks his hand out to her. They can _both_ play this game. He can act like he doesn’t remember her either. 

(He doesn’t want to think of the possibility that she really has no memory of him, that their night hadn’t left any impression on her at all.) 

“Josefina. Nice to meet you.” She flashes him a broad smile and shakes his hand firmly. James doesn’t know why he feels such a tightness beneath his ribcage. 

“She’s an _Olympian_.” Matt says, grinning wider. 

“Oh yeah, did you get a gold medal?” James asks. 

Her eyes narrow. 

He knows she didn’t. 

“No, maybe next time though,” she says. Maybe he’s imagining the flare of hurt at the question. 

“Yeah, it’s in a coupla years, but plenty of time for the team to come around. Why aren’t you coaching there?” 

“Al asked me here as a favor.” Josefina looks like she’s going to say more, but someone-– Gardenhire–- calls her name and she pivots, tossing a wave over her shoulder before she jogs over to where he is. James watches her, ponytail bouncing behind her, and then glances at Matt who is also staring after her. 

“Calm down, Romeo,” James chastises him and watches Matt startle and then frown at him.

“It’s not like that.” 

James makes an unconvinced noise. 

“Looks like they’re gonna have a coaching meeting, you wanna toss the ball around?” James asks. Matt shrugs and drops the rest of his stuff on the ground to dig his glove out of his duffel bag. 

James and Matt work in silence, just throwing the baseball back and forth, easy motion, like warming up. 

“You think about what you wanna work on? Or what ya did work on?” James calls over to Matt. 

“Yeah, gonna try and get a little more break on my curve. I been working on it,” Matt says and makes a time-out sign so he can jog over. “I read this article about how to put your stance into it more and I’ve been doing that.” 

James nods and takes a step back. “Yeah, show me?” 

Matt nods and adjusts his grip on the ball and shows James the throwing motion, without releasing the ball. James breathes in through his nose and steps back in. 

“That looks good.” James claps him on the shoulder lightly. “When we throw a bullpen later, we should take some video and analyze it.” 

It feels good to get back into baseball. James has a lot going on in his mind now, at the moment, and it’s good to be able to push it aside. Everything with Jess has been weighing on him and this hiccup of Josefina being a coach on the Tigers. He’s sure he’s going to have a lot to deal with in the coming weeks.

"Sounds good, man." Matt looks over James's shoulder and then holds up his hand. James doesn't know who he's waving to now, but he doesn't want to look. He doesn't know how he's going to survive this season. 

He slips his phone out of his pocket. 

_sorry again, dinner after <3?_

He knows Jess will say yes; it's just better to push everything else out of his mind. Matt wanders over to where Daniel is and James grins at his phone, slipping it back into his pocket. 

He should give Jess that ring, he knows he should. 

As one of the younger pitchers approaches him to talk, he pushes everything to the back of his mind. 

*  
James doesn’t have to work with Josefina directly, which he thinks might be a blessing. It’s only a blessing as far as he can keep his attention off of her, though. And that’s easier said that done, since he’s still enthralled by her. This isn’t a problem for the most part. James is a good man and he’s better now at keeping his desires at bay than he used to be. 

James is trying, mostly, to focus on his pitchers, on getting his chemistry with them in line as they prepare to grind out the long season. It’s something he’s used to now, with his years in the majors; he always makes a special effort to do it with people he’s sure are going to be starters going forward. 

He’s standing there, drinking Gatorade, and listening to Daniel and Matt talk about Tennessee, and how Ashley and Meira should come and visit. James is only half listening, looking across the field at the diamond, where they’re running some kind of ground ball drill. 

James-– he remembers. He remembers the reason why. 

Her glove is still bright red–- probably the same one-– she’d used during the Olympics. And as the ball is hit at that perfect angle between second and third, she shows them how to defend it. James remembers why he was so drawn in by her. 

James watches as she slides, the way she predicts the course of the ball, throws her hand out and makes the stop, sliding in the grass and it seems like she’s standing up and throwing to first in one motion. When she stands, she has grass stains all on her leggings, and James can see her smile from here. 

James shouldn’t be looking. He shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t notice. But he tunes Matt and Daniel out as he watches her, watches the younger guys crowd around her like excitable birds waiting for a worm, watches as she shows them how she does it. James is-–

He can’t think about it.

He _won’t_ think about it. 

*  
James would say he’s like a man possessed. His actions are not his own, like a force beyond is pulling him to do it. That’d be a lie. He’s an adult, he’s reasonably competent, he knows what he’s doing most of the time. If he tells someone he couldn’t resist, couldn’t contain himself, it’s likely not the truth. 

Those are shortcuts to assuage guilt. Which is what he would be doing. In the aftermath. 

“You have a minute?” James asks, poking his head into Josefina’s office. She looks like she’s freshly showered, she looks a lot like she did back when they were kids, locking eyes in a shitty convenience store. Josefina nods and James lets himself in, and he draws the door shut behind him. She gestures for him to sit. 

“You need defensive help?” Her mouth twists into a wry, amused smile and James can’t help but smile back. 

“No,” James says and he wonders how to bring this up. “Just wanted to talk to you about something that happened.” 

Josefina nods and shuffles papers around. James wonders if she truly doesn’t remember, if bringing it up is going to make things weird, or awkward. He shouldn’t say anything. James knows it’s a bad idea to say something. 

“What?” Josefina asks. 

James loses his nerve at that moment. 

“Well, I was thinking, if you don’t know the city all that well, I could show you around.” 

Josefina’s brows jump nearly to her hairline, eyes widening almost comically. She shuffles more papers around, but James thinks she’s just rearranging the same set of them. Her gaze cuts away, locked on the papers. 

“Is not a good idea. There a guy, he responsible for getting me used to everything. Al hired him.” Josefina looks at James, and there’s a tightness around her eyes. 

James knows she knows. James wishes she’d admit it and he doesn’t know why. 

“I mean, he can probably show you all the _normal_ stuff, but not, like, where the locals go.” James grins at her. 

Josefina bites her lower lip. She looks like she’s thinking and maybe she’ll agree. Maybe she will. 

“Well…” Josefina trails off and looks down at the desk again. “Maybe sometime.” 

It’s not really a victory–- but it’s something of a moral victory. 

*

James tucks his phone against his ear as he finishes changing after workouts. 

“I’m not going to be back right after,” James says, and he feels slightly guilty at the displeased noise that Jess makes. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise, I just have to do some team shit.” 

He feels bad for lying to her. He knows he will make it up to her. He’s just trying to help Josefina out. This isn’t anything with an ulterior motive. He genuinely wants to help Josefina settle in. James is hoping to spend his career with the Tigers; James is hoping that Josefina is with them through it.

Obviously, the coaching staff seems to change more than the on-field personnel, but maybe they’ll get lucky. He’s not sure what it _means_ that he wants her to be there, when two weeks ago he didn’t even know she would be there. Now that he’s thinking about it, though, well. 

Josefina looks pretty. James knows he shouldn’t notice that. Her dark hair is clipped back in a ponytail and James does his best not to think about the way the rest of her clothing looks on her, but the bright yellow shirt and red pants are _loud_ and maybe begging to be noticed. James is studiously not noticing, though. 

He says his goodbyes to Jess and slips his phone into his pocket and wonders if anyone else heard his lie. If they did, they’re not indicating that they noticed. James moves over to Josefina and gives her a smile and puts his hand on her elbow. She doesn’t shake him off, which is-– it doesn’t mean anything. 

“You ready?” James smiles as Josefina nods and they head out together. Most of everyone else has gone, and it is probably for the best that they don’t see them here, leaving together. James could deny any rumors that sprang up, could say they weren’t true, but it’s better that there weren’t any rumors to begin with. 

James leads Josefina to his truck and thinks about where he should take her. 

The ride to the restaurant is quiet and she fiddles with the radio while they drive. James’s presets are all country stations, and she finally settles on what she must have deemed the least offensive. James doesn’t know what her criteria is and doesn’t think to ask. Stopped at a light, he does his best to not pay attention to how she looks in profile. She’s looking down at her phone, fingers moving like maybe she’s sending a text. 

James considers the fact that maybe she’s married now. Maybe she has someone. It’s been six years since they’ve seen one another, none of that would be odd.

And due to his own schedule and his own sanity, he hadn’t been researching her much, during the Olympics a few years back. For all he knew, she could have a whole family. Maybe that’s why she needed a job in the USA. Maybe she’d met another baseball player and had fallen in love, enough that she’d followed him back to the country. 

James doesn’t know how that’d work, how any of it would work. He wishes he was bold enough to ask Josefina about it. 

But he’s not. And dinner is a somewhat awkward affair, where he fills the silence with baseball stats, and telling her who he thinks is going to make the team out of spring training. 

If Josefina is bothered by it, she doesn’t let on. 

In spite of the awkwardness, Josefina still lets James make good on his promise to show her around. The dinner spot was enough of a local hole-in-the-wall, that she should come to the conclusion that James was in the know about the city. 

James also knows he can't stay out too late, since Jess is waiting for him back at the house. He knows he should end the evening early and go home, but he can't help but want to keep going. James wants to show Josefina every secret place he can think of. 

James feels like his heart is going to tumble out. He doesn't think it's _love_ exactly. It's probably more like infatuation. He knows it's going to burn brightly and hotly and then flare out. But for now it feels like someone sunk the molten core of the Earth behind his breastbone. 

Even when the sky starts getting dark and the sun casts down pink and orange hues that light over Josefina's face like a camera filter, he knows that he should get home. Instead, he leaves behind the stucco buildings and the wild nightlife so that they can go watch the sunset over the lake. 

James keeps his silence this time and tries to studiously not look at how beautiful the sun looks catching in her glossy dark hair, and the way the pink paints everything in a soft and hazy glow. 

James thinks about holding her hand, but digs his nails into his palms instead. 

*

When James gets home later, the house is blissfully quiet. He’d told Jess he’d be home, but judging by how everything is put away in the right place and the bedroom door is closed, James is sure that Jess has gone to sleep. 

James grabs his laptop from the other room and opens it up. He doesn’t know if this is a good idea or not. It doesn’t change anything about the situation, but maybe it’s for his own peace of mind. It’s just to sate his own curiosity. He types her name into the search bar and hits enter. 

He finds easily that she’s not married, although most of the interviews of her are in Spanish he doesn’t understand, he gets the sense that she doesn’t have kids either. 

There’s an article from then too, which talks about how Josefina had defected from Cuba while playing in Brazil. James frowns a little as he reads through the story, wondering why she would sacrifice so much just to come over here and coach. She could coach in Cuba; probably, she would be more appreciated there. 

James frowns a little and skims the article. There’s a part (translated) that talks about how she’s worried about her family and how she won’t be able to see them again. The interviewer asks her if she has a husband and she says no. But that was two years ago too, and things changed. 

James closes the laptop with a thoughtful frown. 

Well, he wanted was just to put his mind at ease. 

*

“My sister is comin’ into town.” Jess blindsides him with the upcoming visit. They’ve just gotten back from playing in Arizona, but she looks excited about it, brown eyes glimmering with excitement. James knows it’s been a while since she’s seen her sister and he tries to get caught up in her enthusiasm. 

It’s easy–- her smile is infectious. 

“I was thinkin’ since she was comin’ we could finalize some plans.” 

“What plans?” James asks. He’s got scouting reports spread out and he’s mildly distracted anyway. 

“For the engagement party,” Jess says and she wraps her arms around James’s shoulders. 

“The-–” James recovers and he tries not to frown. 

“I was thinking if Momma and Daddy come too, we could take ‘em out to dinner, and you could propose.” 

James feels like he’s been dunked in an ice bath. This is what he _wanted_ , but it’s terrifying to him. Kneeling down in front of God and everyone and asking Jess to marry him. 

“We ain’t even got a ring,” James says. 

“We could go and get one,” Jess says and her eyes light up. “You ain’t busy now! We can go look at some, pick it out.” 

James looks at all the scouting reports, and he thinks about dark eyes, and the smell of lilies on a hot August night, and the way Josefina had looked through him like she’d never seen him before. 

“Okay,” James says and he shuffles his papers back in order. “We can do that.”

James isn’t sure he wants to do that, exactly. But it wasn’t like Josefina showing up meant that all the plans he had before were voided. Plus, he loves Jess, Josefina wasn’t anything but a summer fling in the middle of a hazy, once-in-a-lifetime event. She obviously hadn’t put any stock in it, so James wasn’t going to either. 

James isn’t going to think about why his stomach aches so badly at the thought of proposing to Jess, the thought of spending an eternity with her. 

It’s probably just marriage jitters, just cold feet. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to, it just means he’s nervous. This is going to be the only time he does this so he has to do it right. And of course, he wants everything to be perfect. He shuffles all his papers back into a pile and stands, reaching out to take Jess’s hands. 

They’re smooth and soft, and he’s sure they smell like the lavender lotion she rubs over her arms and legs every morning. He brings her hand up and kisses it, just to verify his suspicions. She giggles and James feels it like a bandage over his troubled heart. 

It’s just a wild thought of reliving youthful days, when his future is right in front of him. 

Secretly, James is glad that Jess doesn’t find anything she likes in the store that day. 

*

James gets there early a lot of the time, which he’s sure he remembers Alex Avila telling him was the mark of an excellent catcher. Sure, there’s everything about framing, calling a game, pitch selection-– all these numbers and stats that crowd up in his head, all vying for a spot at the front of the line-– but Alex had told him the key component was being the anchor of the team. 

The anchor would arrive first and leave last and it’s something he’s tried to hold himself to, since he’s taken over the starting job. 

That means that sometimes, the staff is arriving just around the same time James is. This isn’t normally a problem but is _somewhat_ a problem when he arrives alongside Josefina. There’s a moment where he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t think about it too much, that there isn’t anything to say. 

But James is tired of living in his head, within almost and maybe. 

“Hey,” James greets her with a smile, and Josefina gives him a vaguely acknowledging head nod. “Can I ask you something?” 

Josefina frowns. 

“It can’t wait?” Josefina asks. 

James knows it could but he shakes his head no anyways. Josefina shrugs, granting quiet permission. 

“Do you remember me?” James asks. 

Josefina gives him a confused look. “We just met a few days ago.” 

James frowns. It’s hard to say, it’s hard to admit, and it’s difficult to think that her answer might still be the same. That his importance and his impact weren’t there on her. Maybe she didn’t think of him at all in the aftermath. Maybe for her it was truly a one night event, banished into the ether as she moved on with her life. 

Maybe she’d tried to drown out the sorrow of team Cuba’s loss. 

Maybe it just wasn’t that deep. 

James follows Josefina into her office. There’s no one else there but he shuts the door behind him anyways. 

“No, from the Olympics. London, in 2012.” 

Josefina pauses and James is sure he sees something spark within her dark eyes. 

“I-– I no think so.” She gives him a thoughtful once over. James wants to scream. He wants-– 

“You don’t?” James swallows down the hurt. 

“No.” 

The decision to make here would be to let it go, to let it walk away and not think about it again. That this was God protecting him from his own foolishness, that Josefina was right there and with no recollection of their night together, with no inclination to tell Jess about what had transpired, with no knowledge enough to disrupt his life as it stands. 

It should be laid to rest there, never to be spoken of again. 

It’s the right way, the only way to not make everything worse than it already is. 

James doesn’t make the right decision. 

“Maybe this can jog your memory.” James leans in without a thought, one hand braced on Josefina’s elbow, the other pressed flat against the bared wall behind them. He presses their lips together, just a brief moment, and all the noise around them quiets like someone’s hit the mute button. 

Then James can hear the thudding of his own, traitorous heart. 

Josefina’s eyes go wide with surprise and James thinks-– maybe he hasn’t gotten through. But then Josefina parts her lips beneath James’s and lets him in. Her hands go to rest on his biceps, making the softest noise as James keeps kissing her. James feels her kissing back.

James thinks it goes on longer than it should. He feels dazed when he pulls back and her cheeks are red. Her chest is rising up and down, breathing quick and shallow. He knows he shouldn’t have done that but he can’t take it back now. 

“You need to leave.” Josefina’s voice doesn’t sound angry, but it sounds cold and James feels like he’s miscalculated, made a terrible mistake. 

“Josefina-–” 

“That’s _Coach Iglesias_ to you,” Josefina says sternly, “and you need to leave.” 

James’s cheeks feel hot and he ducks out of her office. He’s glad there’s no one else around. 

*

Spring training goes by like it normally does. 

After The Incident, James does his very best to behave. He and Jess go to bible study and church together when he’s not on the road playing exhibition games, and he’s already talking to some of the guys with wives to figure out how to handle travel arrangements so that Jess can come with him. 

He’s content to bury everything behind him. 

And he makes the opening day roster, too, which makes him feel better about the whole situation. He’s done his best to avoid Josefina. Avoid the whole miserable situation surrounding it too. Because she’d never quite said if she did remember him. He thinks-– it’s best not to think about it. 

Jess and James find a proper engagement ring at a pawn shop, during one of their trips to Arizona. :It gleams in the sunlight through the window and fits on Jess’s dainty finger, and James slides it on, like he would when the big moment comes. James knows that buying the ring means that Jess will certainly expect a proposal any day now, but part of James hopes that it’ll just keep her wedding fever at bay for a time. 

If she knows he _is_ going to propose without pushing him into doing it early, it buys him some time to think of how he wants to do it. 

Always how, never _if_. 

Truthfully, he’s mostly glad that there aren’t any professional baseball teams in Kentucky where he might have to lodge up with her family. 

They start the season on the road, versus the Chicago White Sox, and it’s not too bad. James is glad that the season being underway means he doesn’t have to think about much of anything but that. James knows as long as he avoids Josefina it’s going to be alright. 

The travel arrangements are tricky and not exactly a guaranteed thing–- for plane rides or tickets or anything else which doesn’t surprise James since he’s done quite a bit of travel with the team and doesn’t often remember seeing their families on the planes with them. 

James is glad for the break, glad for the freedom. 

He uses Nick’s status as recently single as an excuse to go out with him, to party and not reflect on everything that’s going wrong and that feels wrong. 

The season gets off to a terrible start; Jess’s mom keeps texting him about wedding venues. 

James doesn’t want to book a venue yet. 

Jess’s mom texts him about how he’s going to propose. 

James tells her it’s a surprise. (It’s a surprise to him too.)

*

 

Things are the easiest when they’re at home games, or when Jess is on the road with him. It’s not like he’s going to do anything bad, but there’s that barrier from doing bad there, when she’s keeping a watchful eye on him. James knows it’s not fair to put that kind of responsibility on her, but he can’t help it. 

He can’t help how he feels. 

That’s not true and he knows it’s not. He wishes he wasn’t self-aware, but he is. He knows that if he bit the inside of his mouth and firmly gave himself a talking to, he’d be able to get himself out of this strange state he’s in. He can tell himself he hadn’t thought about Josefina in the years between then and now-– which was something of a lie-– and that this rekindling of his feelings was just the function of him being nervous about settling down. 

He could explain it to himself, in the ways that made sense, in the ways that should make him stop and forget. 

James knows he has the ability to be self-reflecting, that he can look inside of himself and figure out where the issue was. 

He knows the reason he’s clinging to the memory is the fact that Josefina claims to not remember, even though it’d be the best for them both to forget, or pretend to forget, and then move on. James is picking at a scarred-over wound, that’s healed enough it shouldn’t bother him. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t bleed-– but sometimes he can still feel the phantom pain. 

James should leave well enough alone and let it fade. He has Jess and he loves Jess. He’s glad he’s met her, glad he has her. But he knew Josefina first. 

James is capable of self-reflection. 

He knows how to be aware of himself, of his feelings-– it’s one of his better qualities. It’s why he interfaces with people so well, how he can read his pitchers, how he can optimize their chemistry. 

James keeps picking at this scarred-over place he realizes is his heart. 

He _gets_ the reason why. 

He remembers like it was yesterday, the way Josefina looked underneath the wan sunlight. The flash of the red leather of her glove, and the way the humidity clung to everything and made her uniform shirt cling to her arms and her back, and against her stomach. Sweat spots damp at the back of her knees and against the collar of her shirt. 

He remembers the way she slid in the dirt of the infield, the flash of tawny skin, and her dark hair plastered against her forehead. Dark brown eyes intent and focused. 

The way she moved like a dancer. 

With a stunning moment of clarity, James realizes. 

Josefina was his first love. 

*

The realization weighs on him heavily. There's something keenly unsettling about it, too. Not because he dislikes it-- he doesn't, not exactly-- but there's simply some uncomfortableness from knowing that. Of realizing the truth, especially when it doesn't do anything but make things hurt worse.

James knows that it doesn’t matter now because Josefina doesn't remember and he's got a lovely soon-to-be-fiancée, but it matters to him. And what he’s going to do with the information. 

He knows it should be _nothing_ but a part of him needs to get it off his chest. James knows he should go to church, speak with a pastor, but what if it got back to Jess? 

So he goes with a source he knows won’t be talking to his girlfriend any time soon. Nick's been a friend of James's for a while now. They'd practically been inseparable during their minor league days. James still is-- and Nick had been-- a man of faith and they'd wound up at the same church in Comstock Park, back in their single-A days.

Not that-– he claimed-– he had any problem with Jess, but when they’d knocked around the minor leagues together, Nick had never seemed to care for her. At least in the sense that he didn’t really like going out with them as a couple. James only knows this because Vanessa was more than happy to tell him why Nick was so reticent. 

Maybe it'd been naïveté that made it so he hadn't seen it as a warning sign.

James, in some ways, misses Vanessa. He doesn’t know all the deep details on Nick’s subsequent divorce, but she’d had a solid head on her shoulders. She wasn't afraid to speak what was on her mind. 

“Hey man, can we talk?” James asks in a tone that makes it clear it’s not really a question. But Nick is easy-going, always quick with a smile, and he barely looks up from his phone. 

“Sure man, my mom’s got the kid,” Nick says. It’s easier to get away when they’re at home. 

James is grateful for Nick. He’s always been grateful for Nick. Nick’s been a good friend of his for what feels like years. They’d come up together in the system and he was one of the few people who didn’t give James a bunch of shit for being on the the USA baseball team. 

Nick’s a little too space-y and cerebral to be considered down to Earth, but James enjoys talking with him. 

They wind up in a hole in the wall, out of the way place, which they don’t seem to be getting a lot of attention, and Nick orders a pitcher of some swill light beer, but James isn’t going to drink much so he won’t complain either. 

“So, whatcha wanna talk about?” Nick gets straight to the point as he pours the drinks. James doesn’t know where to start. 

Maybe he should start at the beginning, seeing Josefina for the first time on the diamond. Or maybe he should start with his revelation. Or maybe he should start with how she doesn’t seem to remember him. Or is faking not remembering him. 

“I slept with Josefina,” is what James decides to lead off with, and Nick flails and knocks his beer glass over, looking at James with super wide eyes. 

“What?” Nick says, beer dripping on the floor, as he desperately tries to mop it up with cocktail napkins. “How? When? _Why_?” 

"You forgot who." 

"You already established _that_." 

"It was a long time ago. I met her before, when I was in London." 

Nick is silent, waiting for James to elaborate. 

“I watched her playing versus team USA, the girl’s softball team. I dunno man, something about her.” 

Nick is giving him a curious look, brow furrowed, head cocked to the side. 

“And you guys hooked up?” Nick prompts. 

“Yeah-– they lost and she looked crushed. She was so good, Nick. I remember watching her and being blown away. I ain’t never seen anything like it. It was…” He trails off and waves vaguely. 

“Did you pop one?” 

James kicks him under the table. Nick laughs, shaking his head. 

“It wasn’t like that. It was like…” James traces a pattern into the condensation on the table. “I don’t even know how to describe it, man. It was just so good. She was just so good.” 

“The softball or the sex?” 

James kicks him again and then frowns. 

“I mean, both I guess.” James looks at Nick briefly. “I mean, yeah, no guessing. I mean, I been thinking about both off and on for years.” 

“So, whatcha going to do about it? Does Jess know?” 

“Oh hell no,” James says, giving Nick a look. “Questions like that are why your marriage didn’t last.” 

Nick rubs the back of his neck and doesn’t protest. 

“Well, what about the rest?” 

“I don’t think she remembers.” James frowns and looks down at his drink. “I think she forgot. Or it didn’t mean much to her. Or, I dunno. She acts like she ain’t ever seen me before.” 

Nick hisses a breath through his teeth. 

“Sorry, bro.” 

James shrugs. 

“It’s fine, I just wanted to talk to someone about it, you know?” 

“Yeah… I get that.” 

They lapse into silence and James wishes he had better words. Wishes he knew how to fix this feeling. He feels split in half-– with his past and his future threatening to pull him apart. It’s probably ridiculous he even feels torn. Jess is his whole world. He’s loved her and she’s been such a pillar in his life. James sighs. 

“It’s just…” James starts and trails off again. Nick’s patient though, he waits. “I mean, I guess it don’t matter. It didn’t mean nothing to her, so it’s stupid to be all caught up in it.” 

Nick shrugs. 

“Shit happens.” 

James loves Nick; he’s like a brother to him. But sometimes, he’s really _not_ helpful. 

“Thanks.” James might sound sarcastic. Nick gives him a reassuring smile. 

“At the end of the day, man, you gotta do what you gotta do. And if it’s one thing or the other, that’s something only you can decide. I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know what’s gonna make you feel okay. You gotta do what makes you happy, that ain’t always easy.” 

Nick reaches across the table and pats him on the hand. 

James knows that Nick is right-– it doesn’t make it any easier. 

*

James, mostly, gets good at ignoring his feelings. 

He ignores the yearning in his heart.

The lump in his throat.

The ache in his chest.

James gets good at pushing those things aside. While he and Jess talk about wedding venues and wedding dates, about engagement rings, and who they’re going to invite to the wedding. 

James gets good at pretending his feelings don’t exist, at burying them deep beneath his ribcage until he can sublimate the ache into something else. 

He tells himself that it’s all imaginary anyways. Because he loves Jess. 

And that isn’t a lie either, he does love her. He’s loved her for as long as he has known her. James knows that Josefina shouldn’t mean anything still, that it’s just a foolish, young man’s memory that made something out of nothing. Not that it was nothing. 

James-– 

Well, he supposes it’s nothing now. 

_you should come down to kc, we can buy you an engagement ring here, i wanna make it official_

James buys her a plane ticket and sends her the information. If feels almost impulsive, even though he knows that was his eventual plan all along. He'd been thinking of ways to propose to Jess, to find the perfect ring. Maybe it was a strange sort of heartache that finally spurred him to action. 

And he waits for the heartache to subside when he makes his decision to go through with everything with Jess, even though he’s not sure it ever will.

*  
It almost feels like a breath of fresh air, when Jess has to cancel meeting him in Houston, because she gets roped into helping her sister move to California. 

It feels like God giving him a reprieve. A reward for good behavior, for doing what he believes is the right thing. 

He feels bad for getting down on bended knee and thanking God for it. 

“You seem… relieved?” JaCoby says to him on the plane and James wishes it wasn’t so palpable. He looks over at JaCoby and Mikie sitting together. He wonders if Mikie even remembers the girl he’d talked about getting with, when they’d been on the Olympic team together. 

“No,” James says and he wonders if he can wipe that look off his face. But he just decides to move on. “Hey Mikie, do you remember um… Hayes?” 

Mikie’s brows raise. 

“Blond girl, played for team USA, she was a right fielder I think.” 

Mikie’s dark eyes light up. 

“Yeah, I remember her.” The smile on his face tells James what he needs to know. 

“You ever talk to her?” 

“Why would I?” 

James shrugs.

“Say, for example, you guys met like-– like she was a reporter or something and interviewed you. Do you think she’d remember?” 

“That’s an oddly specific question.” 

Jacoby eyes him curiously and sips on his water. 

“I’m just wondering ‘cause I-– I ran into someone I met back then and she acted-– or she doesn’t-– remember what we did.” 

“Oh yeah, you mentioned you were going off with some girl. I tried to guess who it was.” 

James hadn’t told them who and he’s glad now. Mikie, most definitely, would have remembered. Would have known. 

He glances at Josefina, whose engrossed in reading something, dark hair falling across her face. James turns back around and shakes his head. 

“It doesn’t really matter, I just-– I was just wondering if you think the same would happen to you.” 

“Maybe you’re bad at sex?” JaCoby guesses. James fixes him with an annoyed stare. 

“I doubt it was that,” James says. 

JaCoby and Mikie laugh and James rolls his eyes. 

He wishes he wasn’t so concerned about it. He needs to be less caught up in these things. He needs to bite his tongue and get a grip and just let the past stay in the past, where it belongs. 

(It’s difficult though.) 

He doesn’t listen to himself either. He feels like he would have-– should have-– except he sees Josefina sitting alone in the hotel bar. And maybe she’s feeling lonely. Or maybe she’s not and just wants to have some time to herself off of the plane. But James doesn’t know if he can hold on to what he’s feeling, or if he can just come clean about everything and ask her if she really doesn’t remember. 

James knows he should take the answer he’s been given. 

But he also feels like he wants a second chance. 

He shouldn’t want that. Shouldn’t _need_ it. There’s something compelling about it, though. Something that winds through his entire body like he might be made up of that energy. There’s a part of him, where more than anything else, he needs to know all that the world has to offer. 

It’s not fair-– but he thinks about their instant connection, the way it had defied language barriers. The way that it had made him think that there was a universal language and that was her body against his body. 

James can still remember what it felt like, his skin against hers. The feel of her breath against his lips, and how soft her hair was when he threaded his fingers through it. 

It’s-– James knows he’s stupid for keeping going back to it. To continued remembrance. 

James joins her in the hotel bar anyway. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” James asks. 

Josefina glances at him and looks like she might say no. But then she raises her shoulders in a shrug and lets him. 

She orders a Cuba Libre and James wraps both his hands around the beer he’s ordered and tries not to stare. But this close, everything about her is just as he remembers. He can count the moles sprinkled on her cheek, can almost trace them out like constellations, can feel his fingertips itching with the want.

They drink in silence. It’s not exactly awkward, but it’s in a weird situation. Where it’s in between companionship and two strangers. James is sure she remembers; but he doesn’t know how to bring it up. He doesn’t know how to get the words unstuck from his throat so he can say what he means. 

She still smells like lilies. 

He knows that scent is one of the strongest memory makers and it’s all he can think about. Her soft skin and the smell when he kissed her on the throat, hands sliding up beneath the flimsy cotton of her shirt. James tries to force his mind away from it, with the feeling pounding in his chest. 

James orders himself another beer after finishing the first. 

“Why did you kiss me?” Josefina asks. 

James was somewhat hoping that they weren’t going to talk. He’s thinking of making a joke, trying to deflect, the maelstrom that’s in his heart and in his mind right now. 

“I-–” James starts and then swallows the words down as desperately as he can. He can feel them choking him out, rendering him incapable of expressing what he knows he needs to. It’s almost painful, how deeply he can feel things still. He’s hurt, he’s wanting, he’s lost in the thoughts of bygone days. “I thought-– I thought you’d remember, if I did.” 

Josefina is quiet, looking at the drink in front of her, as condensation drips onto the smooth polished surface of the bar. 

“Because, we couldn’t speak back then, and I thought if I showed you, like I showed you then, you’d know.” 

“Why it matter?” 

James doesn’t have an answer. 

Not a _good_ answer. 

“I wanted you to remember. I wanted-– I guess I just wished you thought about it like I did.” James picks at the label on his beer, watching the wet sticker come off in ragged strips. He balls it up between his fingers and sets it at the base of the glass. “I-– I thought that you’d remember and we could…” 

James trails off. 

He doesn’t know what he thought they could do. 

James is going to get engaged soon. He’s going to start a family. He’s going to be the person his whole family wanted him to be. James picks at the label more and more, feeling his fingertip getting sticky with the glue. Josefina reaches out and rests her fingers against his wrist. 

“I remember.” 

James feels some emotion in him-– _relief_ -– and he feels for a moment like he can’t breathe.

James can hear in the back of his mind how this is such a bad idea but he finally lets go of his beer bottle and turns to look at Josefina. 

“You remember?” he asks softly. She nods. 

He knows it’s not a good thing. His pulse races and he feels like his blood is going to catch on fire. He knows he should just let that settle it. That Jess is going to meet up with him sometime soon and then he’d-– he’d go back to being what everyone wanted him to be. 

James knows that he can be good and he should be good. 

“I want-–” James starts and he slides their fingers together, briefly, curling them until his fingertips press against her palm. 

Josefina bites her lower lip and closes her eyes, dark lashes fluttering against her high cheekbones. 

James knows she knows what he wants. 

James knows he shouldn’t.

James knows they shouldn’t. 

Josefina quietly signals for her tab and signs her name; James does the same. 

The silence falls again as James follows her into the elevator and there’s a quiet there, a comfort there, knowing that he’s going to do something he’s dreamed about doing, again. Something he didn’t think he’d ever get the chance to do. He’s nearly vibrating with the excitement of it, his palms sweating, and his knees shaking. 

Josefina looks outwardly calm and James wishes he could read her mind, know what she’s thinking. They don’t talk as he follows her into her room. James knows this is a bad decision, but he presses Josefina back against the door and kisses her anyways. He tangles his fingers in her thick, dark curls, and slides his tongue over her lower lip. 

She makes a noise, quiet-– high and tight against his mouth, and James pushes his thigh between her legs. 

“Come on, babe,” James urges her, reaches down with one hand to press on her hip, urge her a little. James can feel how hot she is through the denim of his jeans, and he slides his hand down to hike her skirt up. She presses against him and James feels hot everywhere, like the heat is going to roll through his body and alight him on fire. All hot and desperate throughout him. 

He doesn’t care.

James thinks he could burn alive from this and he wouldn’t care. 

Josefina bites on James’s lower lip and rubs herself against his thigh, friction, even with his jeans and her panties. He can hear the scrape of fabric on fabric, and she clutches at his shoulder until he’s sure it’s going to bruise. 

“That’s it, sweetheart,” James murmurs encouragingly.

He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, and he shouldn’t want to be doing this. But it’s all he can think about. Her body on his. The two of them being brought together like they had in the past. He longs to be inside of her, and her beneath him. But for now, he can give it to her like this. 

James is good at being giving. 

Josefina rubs herself against him, her fingers clutching at him harder, he thinks she needs him as much as he needs her. It’s thrilling. It’s never like this with Jess. 

James reaches down between them and pushes them aside.

Josefina's already wet for him, he can feel it as he slides his fingers against her. 

Josefina whimpers again as James presses his fingers against her clit, rubbing in a slow circle. 

In the back of his mind, he knows he shouldn’t. He knows that he ought to behave but now he’s too far gone. All he can think about is how she remembers. 

James leans in and brushes his mouth against hers, feeling her wetness damp against his jeans.

He knows it's bad that he can't help himself. James keeps rubbing his fingers over her clit, listening to the noise she makes, and how she claws into his shoulders desperately, moving against his thigh. James pulls back with a rough noise and leans in to press his mouth to Josefina's again. 

"Bed," James says, it's not really eloquent, but neither of them hesitate, and it's not long before clothing is shed, and James has Josefina rolled under him, legs spread out wide, and he's got his fingers pressing inside of her, making her clutch at the sheets and cry out for him. 

James feels like he's going to find everything he's been looking for here. And it's new, but familiar, in a sense of like finding a place to come home to. James feels untamed, but also like he's exactly where he should be. He leans in to kiss her, muffling the noises she's making, as he hooks her leg over his shoulder. 

Josefina clutches onto his forearm as he works his fingers in her, slow and deep, rubbing his thumb over her clit as he does so. He takes in Josefina's flushed face, her eyes squeezed shut and dark lashes over her cheekbones. How her mouth has fallen open and her chest rises and falls as she desperately tries to catch her breath. 

James reaches down and grabs a firm hold of his cock, sliding his hand up and down as Josefina writhes on his fingers. 

James kisses his way down her throat, over the swell of her breasts. He flicks his tongue over her hardened nipples, surprised he can hear her little gasp over the pounding of his own heart.

He kisses over her stomach, trailing lips and tongue over the smooth skin there, and then moves his hands away from her, so he can spread her legs a little wider, hands on the insides of her thighs, and he leans in to lick a stripe over her pussy.

James feels like he's going shake apart at the seams, he's so hard, he's so desperate for her. He slides his tongue between her lips and rubs the flat of it over her swollen clit, feeling gratified as Josefina digs her heels into his shoulders and her thighs quiver and tighten against the side of his head. 

It feels all quickly forward from there.

He doesn't see where Josefina grabs the condom from that she presses into his hand. James doesn't really care either, he just unwraps it and slides it on. 

It seems like even when they speak the same language, they don't need words. They both know what the other wants-- they're both on the same page. 

It's never been work with Josefina. 

He stamps out the rest of the thoughts as he grabs the base of his cock and slides into Josefina. 

James licks his fingers and thrusts slowly, reaching down to rub at Josefina's clit. Her legs are wrapped around his waist, quivering thighs around his hips, and she's still grabbing at him. 

"Okay?" James asks, reaching out to brush her hair off of her forehead, tucking it behind her ear. Josefina smiles at him, dark eyes wide. She looks even more flushed now. 

"Is good," Josefina says. She leans in and groans as she shifts against him, and kisses him, pressing her teeth into his lower lip. James shudders against her. 

He likes that. 

Josefina rubs at his biceps and his shoulders, just like she needs something to cling on to. 

"You look so beautiful," James says to her and leans in, kissing her along the jaw. 

She still smells like lillies. James moans softly and kisses her again at that same spot. Josefina tightens around him as James pushes in. He stops holding on to his tenuous control. 

"Yeah, come on, James," Josefina whines a little, desperate, as James starts to thrust into her, snapping his hips. He rubs at her clit again, pressure and friction, as his fingers start to slip. 

As his rhythm starts to slip.

But he doesn't want to come before she does, he wants to make it last-- he wants so much. 

Josefina nearly shrieks like a banshee when she comes, leaving long red scratch-marks down his arms and James doesn't bother holding back after that. 

He feels his orgasm growing, heat tingling through his body and he pistons his hips into her and shudders through his own climax, muffling a groan against her throat. 

He pulls off of her and strips the condom off, laying flat on his back beside her, still shivering in the aftermath of it. 

"Oh wow," James says, feeling like he's on top of the world. 

He glances over at Josefina, who looks like she's trying to steady her breathing and he moves closer, so he can gather her up in his arms. Josefina presses her face against his chest and presses tiny kisses over his skin. 

James falls asleep like that. 

*  
James wakes up alone even though from his best guess, it can't be much later than six in the morning. James makes a frustrated noise but dutifully pulls his clothes on from last night and heads back to his own room. 

His phone is on his dresser and he almost dreads what might be waiting for him there. 

So James puts it off, by going to take a shower and get ready for the day. James spends a long time in the shower, trying to come to grips with what he's done and what he feels. 

It's not fair to run around in Jess, the woman he loves. But being with her isn't always easy. And Josefina-- well she wasn't easy but being with her was. Their connection just sparked. 

James loves Jess but being with her can be something of an effort. 

James knows it's unkind to say. 

James finishes his shower and gets dressed, ready to go down to the ballpark and start practicing for the game, but he grabs his phone and settles down on the edge of the hotel bed to see what messages he has. 

There's two from Jess and a missed call. 

_can i call you???_

The missed call is time-stamped after. 

_guess not…_

James opens it up to reply. He feels a sickly feeling of guilt in his belly, knowing he's done something wrong. 

**sorry hon, i was hanging with some of the guys and left my phone in my room. i fell asleep over there and didn't see this 'til now.**

James feels bad for lying but justifies that it's to protect Jess, that the truth would just make it worse. 

He'll be home soon and everything can fall back into place.

*

James finds Josefina as she's instructing Niko on something, in a wide open space between second and third. It must be something to do with ground balls, as VerHagen throws lazy balls to the mound, and Victor hits them where they need to be. It's hot out. 

James trots over to them.

Honestly, there's a bit of a crowd-- Nick and Ronny are there, along with some of the other pitchers-- James recognizes Matt Boyd for sure-- and he's not so stupid as to figure out exactly what is going on around here. He's sure Josefina knows as well. 

"You guys have a lot of problems fielding ground balls?" he asks, settling a hand on Boyd's shoulder. 

"Well, I mean…" 

James rolls his eyes at him. 

"If I fielded ground balls, I would probably have a problem with it," Matt says defensively. James shakes his head at him and leans on him like a bratty older brother as they watch. James feels soft for Josefina, watching her makes his chest catch a little uncomfortably, and he wonders if he'll ever get tired of watching her. 

He snaps out of it when he's sure someone is paying him too much attention. He notices that Nick is giving him a look. Maybe he should-- 

"We should throw a bullpen." He keeps his arm around Matt. "Let’s go, bro." 

"But I was--" 

"I know what you were doing, and you're _married_." 

Matt waves him off, shrugs his arm off his shoulder, and they head off towards the bullpen, James glances over his shoulder, but he doesn't waste too much time thinking about it. He knows they need to talk-- honestly, this isn’t the place. 

James will find her after and they can talk. 

James doesn’t know how he concentrates on the bullpen session with Matt. Maybe he isn’t really at all and it’s simply because they’re just doing things that come like second nature. Nothing is as-– as freeing as being behind the plate. Getting into his crouch and laying down a sign is as close to perfect as he’s ever felt. 

There are other things that are close, but nothing really eclipses it. 

It’s almost easier to figure everything out here. 

It’s easy to think here, with one knee in the dirt, and the pitcher looking at him to run the game. Even in a bullpen, when it’s just laying down the same sign, he thinks about how peaceful it is. It’s better, maybe, because every time there’s the thunk of ball against leather. 

James thinks maybe this is the only place he’s going to find peace, mired within the guilt and the ecstasy of everything else. James knows it’s wrong. He knows this isn’t any kind of absolution or forgiveness, just pushing it aside for a length of time only to have to confront it later. 

James knows that what happened with Josefina can’t happen again, not if he’s really going to follow through on marrying the love of his life. 

*

James lets it happen again. 

He and Josefina meet by the elevators incidentally and she follows him into his hotel room. 

“We can’t do this,” James tells her, whispers the words desperately against her mouth, as his fingers slide beneath the flimsy fabric of her shirt. “I’m getting married.” 

Josefina’s eyes are dark and compelling. But he can’t blame her for his own lack of control. She makes him lose control; she always has. 

“Okay.” Josefina’s voice is soft, breathy, and James cuts her words off with his mouth on hers. The only sound after is the pound of his heart, the heavy sound of breathing, and skin sliding against skin. 

In the aftermath, as sweat is cooling on their bodies, and Josefina is tucked up under his arm, half tucked under the covers, James wonders. 

He doesn't know how to broach the subject, but he brushes her dark hair off of her forehead and presses a soft kiss against her cheeks. 

"Why did you pretend?" James asks. Josefina hums, sounding a little drowsy. 

"Wha?" She asks, and she sits up a little, to look at James a little more head on. James tangles their legs together and tries to make it seem less important than it actually is. But curiosity burns in him like a wildfire, threatening to consume him inside and out. 

"You acted like you ain't ever seen me before," James says after a moment. "I wondered about it a lot… like why you didn't recognize me. But if you did, why didn't ya say anything?" 

Josefina looks chastised, bending her head down like she's trying to use her hair to cover her face. But there's enough a break between the strands of her curls that he sees her cheekbones have gone pink. James wonders what she's going to say. 

Wonders what made her do that. 

She buries her face more against his chest, almost like she's trying to hide, and James lets her for the time being. He wraps his arms around her more firmly and trails his fingertips over the smooth curve of her shoulder. It's quiet for several moments. 

James watches goosebumps raise on her skin. 

"I look for you," Josefina says. "So I see you and your girl." 

James's brow furrows in confusion. 

"What?" 

"When you not come back, I think is because you get signed. No longer an amateur, so I look you up. I remember your name, your face. And I see your photos. You guys look so happy and I think how many years it’s been." 

James feels his heart clench painfully. 

"I didn't think I'd see you again and when I did-- I get-- I dunno." 

"You don't know?" James prompts.

Josefina flushes darker. 

"Jealous," she admits. "I know you got this pretty girl and I got thrown, seeing you, and then you act like I dunno. So I think maybe you don't wanna remember." 

Josefina shakes her head and buries her face into his chest again. James pulls her even tighter to him and presses a kiss to the top of her head. But it makes everything crash back to Earth. Reminds him of the reality of the situation, which is that Jess is still his girl. 

*

Jess joins the team-– mostly James-– on the next stop on the road. James feels bad. 

He wonders if his lips are still swollen. If when he kisses Jess she can smell another woman on him. If she does, if she can tell, she doesn’t say anything. She smells like vanilla and brown sugar and it’s comforting. Almost like coming home. Something so familiar that he can feel it settle through his being. 

James knows it’s not a good thing that he’s been running around on her and-– it’s bad that he thinks maybe he’s gotten Josefina out of his system. She was just a teenage dream that had come back into his life. He’s gotten what he was sure he wanted out of it. Another chance, just the ability to know that what he was feeling in retrospect wasn’t real. 

He loves Jess, that much is sure. 

“You look great, hon,” James says as he wraps his arms around her and smells her hair, “I guess that country air really suits you.”

Jess looks beautiful. She looks happy and well rested, her skin glowing like she’s been at a spa. James is glad to see her. He knows he is. 

He’s only repeating it to himself over and over because it’s how glad he is; it’s not that he has to convince himself. 

James slides their fingers together and tells himself his palms are sweaty because he’s excited. The nerves he’s feeling are because they’re finally going to get engaged. They’re going to get the ring and everything. 

James draws her close to his side and brushes his mouth to her temple, her soft, straight brown hair. 

He doesn’t think about thick, black curls and lilies. 

*

Nick uses his connections-– Hosmer-– to recommend a good jewelry store. James knows it’s a good thing, He goes through the glass cases with Jess by his side, looking at the glittering diamonds under fluorescent lights. They’re beautiful. James knows that Jess deserves this. 

That this is what he wants, too. 

They pick a ring out and James signs the papers for it. It fits on Jess’s finger like a glove and he feels almost bad when he tells her he has to find the perfect moment. He wants to make their proposal memorable. Jess teases him about it, playfully tries to snatch the ring, but he knows she’s secretly pleased he wants to put thought into it. 

James is going to put thought into it. It’s going to be the best proposal anyone could ask for. 

Jess gets called away after they buy the ring, for a family emergency. 

James knows that it’s a blessing. 

God is giving him a chance to get right with himself. To make sure he’s drawn all the proper lines, and that he can propose to Jess without guilt. 

James has to let Josefina know. 

*

Things don't really go as planned, but James was somewhat expecting that. He's not sure why, but it just seems to make sense. 

He doesn't get the chance to talk to Josefina, before they're back home, and it's easier to avoid the temptation when he's in his own house, and he talks to his dog to keep himself from reaching out. It's not like they ever did anything at the stadium anyways. 

James spends time trying to plan out the perfect engagement. He thinks about the things that he knows that Jess loves, where she might like to have it done, and wonders if he should plan it for a day they don't have a game, so that he can propose to her where they first met. 

There's a certain romance to that, obviously. If he manages a picnic featuring her favorite culinary delights and gets down on bended knee to ask her to be his wife on the same dock, stretching out over the spring-fed lake in Kentucky that he'd asked her out on James could make it perfect. 

Could make it the best proposal that the world had ever been aware of. But-- 

Part of him hesitates. Part of him isn't sure if that's what he should do. And there's a part of him that is torn between who he was then and who he is now, a person changed by the circumstances of life. 

James knows that he should continue on as normal, but he wonders if he'll be happy doing that. James thinks about it a lot, with Jess away, with his nights filled with loneliness, nothing but the sound of the city beyond the walls and the dog barking at whatever startles him in the night. 

James thinks that he could handle it. He could carry on with Jess; they could get married and have a family, and everything would be just fine. Everything would be _great_. But James can't fathom his life like that. 

James can't bear the thought of being unhappy. 

Things aren't that easy, and he restlessly falls asleep as he tries to find an answer. 

*  
James does his best to avoid Josefina. 

He does his best to limit the conversation he has with Jess too. And he feels himself withdrawing, trying to put himself in a position where he isn’t so _entangled_. But realistically he knows that he'll never be out of the thick of it. There's no distance he can put between himself and everything that he's feeling and he's thinking. 

James spends his waking, lonely hours trying to find the exact right thing to do. But there's no right thing to do. There's no easy path out of this. 

He should carry on, he should marry his girlfriend-- the love of his life, supposedly-- and let that connection wash away everything else. But if Jess's love was like a flood in a valley, then his love for Josefina was like a rock bridge spanning the cliffs. 

The water hadn't battered it away, hadn't washed it away. Just like his love for Josefina didn't impact his love for Jess. It's too confusing, it gets him all twisted up, until he doesn't know how to even think around it. He doesn't know what the good decision is. 

And he doesn't think there's anyone there he can talk to about it. 

He wonders if he's just going to have to choose to do nothing and let everything run its course. But there's no course to run. This isn't like an injury or healing up from something. This is his life, these are decisions he has to make, because not making a choice is almost worse than the alternative. 

James wishes there was an easy answer. 

*

James does his best to not think about it at all. Thinking maybe things would work out on their own, without his involvement. Maybe-- maybe Jess will tell him she's found someone else. Maybe Josefina will reveal a surprise husband at family day. 

There's a part where James thinks he could have his cake and eat it to, just continue on with making the level worst decisions until it all blows up in his face. Obviously, that isn't sustainable. James knows for a fact that at some point, he's going to have to make a move. 

James decides to do the only thing he can think to do when he’s in turmoil with something he can’t solve by himself. Maybe God won’t come down and fix everything for him, but it might help to at least ask for some guidance. Maybe he’ll get shocked with some bolt of divine providence that will give him the course of action that he should take. 

James goes to a church nearby, it’s just a small church, like one of those rural ones where it looks like it might have been a house at one time. There’s nothing special about it, except the feeling of holy blessing when he walks in. It almost feels like a balm over sore muscles. 

He knows he’s been neglecting his prayer and his bible studies as he tries to figure out what he’s doing with the situation he’s found himself in. 

It’s something of being between a rock and a hard place. Where old and new feelings war out with one another. He’s mostly hoping for some way to ease his mind, that maybe praying will not only open himself to God’s infinite wisdom, but also help him to unpack everything and come to a more firm decision. 

He kneels by the alter, hands clasped and head bowed, and waits for the feeling of God to flow through him. He knows that he’s not going to find all the answers here, and that’s fine too. James just needs to have the tools to sort everything out reasonably. But matters of the heart were seldom easy. 

James thinks about how he could even articulate the feelings to God. But God already knew what was in his heart, so he merely closes his eyes and prays that God can shed a light on what he should do. If there’s some pre-destined, plotted out course, then he’d like to know what it is, so he doesn’t make the wrong decision. 

James doesn’t know if he can afford to make the wrong decision.

*

It doesn't have to be now, as he goes down to Florida for a series of games down there, against the Marlins and then the Rays, and Jess has plans to attend the wedding of a dear childhood friend. It gives him time. It gives him distance. 

Maybe he can decide what he should do. 

What he shouldn't do-- is fall into bed with Josefina again. But he does that. And he keeps tracing his fingers over and over her soft skin, and wishes he could find the answers buried within her, with the cry she lets out when he slides his cock into her, or the way she clings to him in the aftermath, kissing him soft and slow. 

"I think I'm in love with you," James says. 

He waits for the world to end and it doesn't.

"I _am_ in love with you. I have been. Since the first time I saw you. And I thought that we was just kids, so it wouldn't stick but I… I haven't stopped thinking about it." 

Josefina is quiet and James watches as she bites on her own lower lip and then she rolls on her side to look at James, slide her fingers into his short hair. 

James closes his eyes and feels her lips against his forehead. 

"Do you?" she asks. He nods and listens to the warm laugh, sinks into the feeling of her arms around him. James is-- James doesn't know what to do. He feels stuck. 

"I do." James says. 

It feels like-- 

He doesn't know what it feels like.

*

For a time, he thinks maybe his decision is made up. 

James does love Josefina, he knows it in his soul, just like he knows that he loves Jess. But at a certain point, he knows that the right decision and the decision he wants aren’t necessarily the same thing. Part of him knows that he’s being a fucking fool. He knows it because the whole situation is ridiculous. 

Josefina was a one-night stand years ago, someone who haunted his dreams, but someone that was more of a fleeting moment. A passing ship in the night. 

Jess had been with him for years now. 

There’s something about Josefina that compels him, but that shouldn’t eclipse the love that he feels for Jess. And God, he does love her. Jess is integral to him. It almost feels as though they grew up together, even though they’d met in college-– there was just something about the way they’d helped one another grow that makes him feel like he wouldn’t be the same without her. 

James knows that this is the truth; she’s changed him infinitely. He’s not who he is without her. He was better with Jess than he was when he was alone. 

She’s so important to him. He wishes it was that easy, then, to swear Josefina off, and know that he should stay with Jess. 

James loves Jess, he can feel it in his heart, how it swells just being near her. But there’s something missing too. Something he can’t quite pin down or articulate, but something that’s enough to make him stray, to make him hesitate. And if he’s being honest with himself–- truly honest-– he isn’t sure if Josefina showing up had been the cause or simply the catalyst. 

If he was capable of the sort of self-reflection needed to determine that, he probably wouldn’t be so torn up to begin with. He doesn’t know if he wants to look that closely. Part of him is legitimately afraid of what he might find there if he does. It’d be sad to figure out what was missing. 

He thinks, maybe, if he tries hard enough he can get past it. That whatever he thinks he’s lacking, he can make up in some other way. Jess is his girl-– she’s the type of girl that James had always dreamed of. But when it comes to the reality of it, their relationship is just somehow not living up to that. 

He wonders where the break is. What makes it not work. James thinks about how he doesn’t need to focus on this because it’s an easy decision. It’s predetermined. 

Jess was going to be his wife. They’ve talked about it; he’s got her a ring and everything. In fact, he’s planning how he’s going to propose to her already. They’re going down to Kentucky for the All-Star Break and it’s going to be perfect. Everything is going to fall right into place perfectly. 

James knows he’ll have to spend a bit of time trying to get right with himself, and bury his feelings for Josefina for good. He has to, if he wants his marriage-to-be to succeed. It’ll be hard, but James can do it.

*

James mouths the words to himself, all the thoughts and feelings he has, that he can articulate when he gets down on a bended knee and slides a ring on to Jess's finger. He feels like it's burning a hole in his pocket, in his heart, in his mind. James knows what the right thing is to do. 

James loves Jess. 

He thinks about the water and how warm it was, as they splashed on the beach after James asked Jess to be his girl. He remembers the way she slipped off her cowboy boots and the hem of her sundress got wet, even as she tried to hold it up above where it was lapping at their legs. 

James remembers the sweet smell of hay and the soft low of the cattle as he made love to her in the room she grew up in, overlooking her dad's ranch. James remembers how soft her skin was, how she sounded, and how she felt. 

How they'd pledged their lives to one another. 

Even now, in this quiet moment, where she slides into his lap and wraps her arms around his shoulders. Her thighs feel good against his thighs and it's so easy to slide up the fabric on her pretty, delicate sundress. Jess presses him back against the couch and he undoes his pants and pushes them down. 

Enough, so she can climb on top of him, slide down and bury him inside of her. Jess grabs onto his shoulders and flexes her thighs and James steadies her with his hands against her hips. The soft fabric brushes against him as she rides him, and she makes quiet noises. 

They haven't had to worry about getting caught for years, but she still acts like they might. 

James still finds it charming. 

Afterwards, they curl up on the couch and James strokes her hair, and he thinks about maybe whisking her away during the All Star Break, and proposing to her in Italy or something dumb like that, where she deserves. Something grand.

Something to make up for all the different ways that he's failed her since the start of the season. Since Josefina came back into his life. 

"I think I got the wedding venue picked out." Jess's voice is drowsy and James feels overly warm and sleepy, with Jess settled against his chest. He closes his eyes and hums in agreement. 

She talks about this church down in Kentucky, that opens up in to some kind of wildflower field and they could have it there, maybe during the winter. James thinks-- maybe they should do it for the break next year. He suggests it and he's sure that Jess is silently wondering. 

"I'll consider it." Jess says with a laugh against the bare skin of his chest. 

James smiles and kisses her hair again. 

*  
For the All Star Break, James and Jess wind up in Kentucky. Back on her parent's farm, where so many of their memories and firsts were born.

First date. First kiss. First lovemaking. 

Soon to be first proposal. 

James practices the words so that he can say them. 

It isn't obvious what's going to happen. They're sitting on the peeling wooden dock, watching as Jess's parents' golden retriever swims idly in the shallows, attempting to savage the fish he sees swimming beneath the surface of the water. 

It's the perfect time. The sun is hanging low in the sky, Jess looks quaintly country, cowboy boots and a wide-brimmed straw hat. There's a faint breeze stirring stale air-- it's so hot down in Kentucky in July. He can feel the sweat roll down the line of his spine. 

Actually-- it's almost as though he's acutely aware of everything. Every so often, he puts his hand in his pocket and feels the diamond cut into the skin of his palm. He psyches himself up-- this is going to be the time that he pulls it out and asks her. 

Where James can tell her all the things she means to him. How much he adores her. How much he can't wait to start their life together. 

James closes his eyes and sees tawny skin and dark curls and--

"I can't do this," James says. The words, once out, can't be taken back. 

Jess's eyes are shadowed by the hat. 

"I can't-- Jess, I'm sorry." He slips his hand out of his pocket and hands her the ring, closing her fist around it. 

Jess looks at him, her eyes watery, tears gathering at her lashes. He quickly brushes them away, moves the hat so he can press a soft kiss to her forehead and wrap his arms around her shoulders. 

"Jimmy, I don't understand." Jess's voice is shaky and James knows that this isn't fair. But at least she'll be with family. At least-- 

"I'm so sorry, I just can't. I ain't the man you think I am. And I can't lie to you. But it's nothing you did, sweetheart. I just… I can't." 

"Jimmy, why?" Tears roll down her cheeks and James wipes them away too and wonders if she'd push him away, if he tried to bring her in closer. 

"Because I love ya, I love ya but it ain't enough. Because I want…" James knows it would be cruel to be one-hundred percent honest. "Because I can't commit to this, to you. And I don't wanna have some mess five years down the line when that decision is gonna make both of us unhappy."

James swallows roughly, he can feel the lump in his throat. 

"What do ya mean it's not enough?" Jess asks, as she hiccups in the middle of her sentence and he thinks she's going to start sobbing. He almost feels the fissure in his heart, breaking it like a fault line. 

It's the right decision, but it doesn't make it easy. 

There's a lot of tears and that makes sense. James isn't unaffected either. His heart aches and it breaks for her, because she can't stop crying, the way she sniffles back tears. 

"Jimmy, I don't-- I don't know what to say, what am I gonna do now? What am I gonna tell my _parents_?" 

James draws her into a hug and she presses her face against his shoulder, sobbing. He can feel her shaking, trembling like a leaf in the wind, like she's going to shake apart. He's probably not too far off. He wants to tell her she can say whatever she wants to make it easier. 

But he knows it isn't easy. 

James brushes his mouth against her forehead. 

"I love you, Jess, and I'm sorry. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but you're gonna thank me later." 

James can feel this in his soul. 

To make it easier for Jess, he leaves that same day. Back to Santa Barbara to let his parents know. 

Jess does send him a text, mostly, thanking him for being honest with her even though she's hurting. 

It's not really a win; but it's what it has to be.

*

James spends the rest of the break in California with his family. It's pretty lowkey. 

He's not interested in doing a lot, he just wants to recharge his batteries and make sure he's good for the second half of the season. James is ready to tackle it, ready to throw himself into it headfirst and try and get himself out from under the deluge of emotions. 

James knows he's made the right decision with Jess. It's only fair to her, honestly, to let her go while he struggles with the feelings within himself. It's only gentlemanly, despite the pain, to let her move on with her life while James is stuck mired somewhere between his past and his future. 

It's-- it's hard to pin down exactly how he knew. 

James isn't much of a risk taker, generally. When he was learning how to play baseball, he knew that catchers were usually fast tracked and so he settled down and developed that skillset. He knew that Jess was a sure thing because he got the feeling from the letters they exchanged. 

He could tell, even in those early, hazy days, from the way she wrote him and the words she used that the likelihood of them hitting it off when they met in person was high. 

James tries not to take risks because he’s afraid that they’re not going to pay off. And though he knows he should be more free about those kinds of things, it’s hardly in his nature to do it. 

But Josefina made him feel like taking a risk. 

He’d taken a risk approaching her, trying to navigate the situation while they were talking in two separate languages. 

He’d taken a risk trying to find out what she remembered, trying to _get her to_ remember. 

And now, he’s given up a sure thing because in his heart he knows that even though he loves them both, that Josefina is better for him. And they might have to wait, until Josefina isn’t with the Tigers or he isn’t, or maybe it won’t amount to anything but a handful of dates with nothing coming of it.

But that’s why it’s a risk. James knows it’s risky and maybe that’s why he wants to do it. 

He tries not to think about it too much, laying on a lounger by his parents’ poolside. 

James knows-– he knows that he has to at least _try_. For his own sake.

*

Sometimes, the team is worse than a high school. And Matt Boyd is waiting for him over by his locker to offer his sympathies over the fact that he and Jess were broken up. He susses out that Jess told Ashley, but James still gets annoyed about it as he doesn’t want to field questions about a failed relationship. 

Even if he had been the one to end it. 

Matt’s good at letting things lie, though, and as soon as it’s apparent that James doesn’t want to discuss it, he changes the subject of conversation to the fact that his daughter was starting to walk. It’s easy to focus his energy on listening to Matt, and he tries his best to _actually_ listen. It’s nice to hear. 

James has always liked Matt, honestly, and he’s happy things are working out for him, in the long run. Lately, since he’s the starting catcher and Matt is in the rotation, they’ve been working together more and more, and their friendship has deepened. 

Part of James wonders if he’s someone who can be confided in. 

But part of James also thinks he shouldn't talk to anyone about it. Somewhere, he has to sift through his own thoughts and feelings. He wants Josefina, he knows that much-- but how does he go about it, now that it's so near to him. 

He finds her in her office, going over a stack of papers, shuffling through them. 

James thinks about how he doesn’t know what he wants to say or even how he should say it. There’s such a strange feeling that’s settled right behind his ribcage. It’s imitating his heart, but surely the beat is too fast, too jumpy, too wild and out of time to be his real heart. James wonders if he can settle it down, or if the cause is just lost in the moments where he has to make his voice. 

James doesn’t like making his move. 

But it feels like maybe it’s now or it’s never. 

James knocks on the wooden frame of the door and then lets himself, closing it behind him with a gentle click. 

Josefina looks up and gestures for him to sit, but then starts looking at her reports again. It’s almost like she can sense he isn’t there to go over any scouting reports, that he isn’t there to talk about baseball at all. But he’s sure with the way the rumor mill pipeline works, she probably already knows that he and Jess broke up. 

That he’s not going through with his engagement. 

James wishes he could articulate it better, because she was sure to have drawn conclusions and he doesn’t want Josefina to feel guilty. This wasn’t her fault. This wasn’t a decision he made solely because of her. He knows he wouldn’t have been brave enough to do it otherwise, but even if this doesn’t work out, James knows that he’s saved both himself and Jess plenty of heartache by choosing to go this route. 

By not locking them in a marriage that they both would have stubbornly hung on to in order to keep up appearances. So that they didn’t have a record of their failure in the form of a divorce case. James knows how they both are. He breathes in and he breathes out and he thinks about what he should say to Josefina. 

“I wasn’t kidding,” is what comes out, which causes Josefina to glance up at him, dark brow raising. James fiddles with the hem of his t-shirt, fingers brushing over the threads he can feel coming loose. 

“About what?” Josefina asks. 

James’s cheeks flush some, maybe it’s just stuffy in the office. 

“Bein’ in love with you.” James says, rubbing the back of his neck. That causes Josefina to set her work down. “When I said it, you laughed and I think you thought I was just being like… soft ‘cause we’d just finished fucking.” 

Josefina worries her lower lip and runs a hand through her dark curls. 

“I-–” She starts but she looks at a loss and James wonders if his risk wasn’t going to pay off. She reaches over the desk and grabs his hand, curling their fingers together briefly. James is sure he’s about to lose his ability to breathe. 

“I think I love you too.” Josefina parrots his earlier words. The catch James has felt in his heart, finally seems to release, and he thinks he’s finally getting to where he needs to be. James brings her hand up to his mouth and kisses along her knuckles. 

“I wanna take you out.” James says. 

“Later.” Josefina promises. James can’t help the smile that spreads across his face and he squeezes her hand gently. 

“Later.” 

It sounds like a promise. 

*

_August, 2022_

James knows that today is the day. It's the perfect storm. It's something he knows he's wanted for years, and even though it wasn't really an anniversary as such, James knows that ten years ago today he was standing in the snack aisle of a little convenience store and she was there in a Sox jersey, looking for all the world like exactly what he wanted. 

Not much has changed. 

She's already dressed for the game, and the _Iglesias 1_ stretches across her back as she helps one of the rookies get a better defensive positioning. He's a little undersized for the position, but he's flashy, and Josefina had taken a shine to him because he had that same kind of fire to him. 

It's been something of a week, with Miggy's official retirement announcement, and Nick's recent marriage-- why he did it in the middle of the season is anyone's guess-- and even on a personal note, the Facebook announcement he'd received that Jess had just given birth to healthy baby boys. 

James thinks the timing is just right. He knows God has set the stage for him. 

There wasn't a lot of forethought put into it. He thinks about how before-- he was so concerned with the where, the how, the setting. But nothing is more perfect than _right now_. 

James moves away from the other catcher, who's talking with Faedo, and leaves them to their conversation.

It's not a secret that they're together, that they've been together. Josefina documents her life on Instagram, connects with the fans, takes rolls and rolls of pictures and videos, where James shows up often and in a romantic context. 

There's technically nothing against a coach and a player dating, probably due to a lack of thinking it'd be necessary, but it isn't like there's any kind of favoritism. James makes his presence known, clearing his throat a little. 

"You good for now," Josefina tells him and the rookie scurries away, with a crop of outfielders that had been watching, joking around about it, clearly making fun of a missed play from the night before, overacting an exaggerated catch. James slings an arm around her shoulders. 

"You scaring the rookies?" he asks and Josefina rolls his eyes, shaking her head at him with fondness. 

"Not scaring, _teaching_." 

James laughs and he looks up at the clear blue sky above and thinks about the overcast, hazy August day the first time he met her. James pulls her a little closer, not _quite_ hugging, but enough where she lays her head against his shoulders, surveying the field like it's a kingdom. 

"So, I got something I wanna ask you." James says. Josefina nods and James looks over her shoulder. He doesn't know how to say it. It's-- it's good for them, if it's understated. If it's just as easy going as they've always been. 

If it's just another fact of their life, another moment, nothing special and yet infinitely special, like each passing moment. 

And at Comerica, it's perfect. Where he'd found her again, really. He'd seen her in Lakeland, but this is where they'd found each other again. 

"What is it?" Josefina asks. James reaches his free hand into his pocket and closes his fist around the ring he's bought her. 

He thinks about how he wants to get her a World Series ring, how she deserved everything James could give and grant and _more_. 

Nick wanders by and James waves him over and hands off his phone. He’d talked about it beforehand, with Nick, so he could do what Josefina loved the most. 

So that later on, he could post on his instagram-- _she said yes!_. 

James gets down on one knee and presents the ring. 

"Was wondering if you wanted to be my wife." 

The sound Josefina makes is loud enough it catches everyone's attention in the immediate vicinity and she's down on her knees with him, throwing her arms around his shoulders. She's shaking against him, crying against him, tears of joy as he slips the ring on her finger. 

He gets to post his picture.


End file.
